I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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