well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize