They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
