i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
