I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize