just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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