the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
