Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
