My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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