you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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