some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
