Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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