Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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