it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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