I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
