you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
