My nipple is on Facebook.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
