I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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