I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
