my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize