you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Randomize
