you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
