I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
