Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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