He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
