go do what you do best...puke behind churches
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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