The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
