I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize