i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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