i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
