He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
