Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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