My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
