yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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