He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize