We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
