The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
