if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
