Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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