How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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