You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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