his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Randomize
