he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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