Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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