i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
