I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
