New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
