i think my tv is drunk
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize