i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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