It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
