For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
