Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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