She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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