So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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