i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
