he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
