the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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