I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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