and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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