somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
and you fell through a lawn chair
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
