I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
