I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
