I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
