Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize